Some Helpful Hints for Happy Homes

My beloved brethren and sisters: If you knew the weight of the responsibility of this moment, you would gladly answer the prayer of my heart — that I might have your united support and the inspiration of the Lord. I know what I should like to say and will try to say it, but it is a question whether I can get that message over to the thousands who are listening as I should like to give it, and, I hope, as the Lord would have it given. ¶

". . . verily I say unto you, . . . [that] marriage is ordained of God unto man. ¶

"Wherefore, it is lawful that he should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation." (D & C 49:15-16.) ¶

That passage from the Doctrine and Covenants indicates the message I have in mind to give this morning — some helpful hints for happy homes. ¶

First, however, I should like to say a few words relative to the general conditions in the Church. A most outstanding accomplishment since our conference last October is the completion and dedication of the Los Angeles Temple. ¶

On the original twenty-four acres purchased by President Heber J. Grant, assisted by Elders David Howells and Preston D. Richards, there are now, besides the temple, the following Church edifices, all finished and paid for: the Westwood Ward chapel, recreation hall, and classrooms; headquarters of the California Mission, bureau of information, central heating plant, and sufficient lot space for an inter-stake auditorium. ¶

During the pre-dedicatory visiting days, December 19, 1955, to February 18, 1956, 660,000 persons availed themselves of the opportunity of viewing this sacred edifice. Forty thousand attended the eight dedicatory services held March 11 to March 14. ¶

It is highly appropriate to express to this general conference appreciation of the contributed efforts, time, and means of the thousands of men and women who had the responsibility of directing and caring for the convenience and comfort of the hundreds of thousands of visitors, sometimes as many as 25,000 a day. ¶

First, this appreciation applies especially to the stake presidencies, high councils and bishoprics in the temple area, and all the members of committees appointed by them; second, to the architect and his associates; and third, to the contractor and assistants; fourth, to the faithful women who constituted a reception committee, who were at their assigned posts of duty every day for over nine weeks, outside and inside the temple; fifth, to the presidency of the Temple Mission and directors of the Bureau of Information; sixth, to the eleven doctors who were on hand to render first aid. Incidentally, forty-seven persons received medical care. We express appreciation also to our own committees and those in California — the committee on transportation and accommodation; the committee on the printing and distribution of tickets; the committee on press and radio and public relations; the committee on seating those thousands of people; and, I might say especially, the committee who, through KSL, installed television in the various rooms, thus adding to the interest and convenience of over 5,000 members to attend each of the eight sessions of the dedicatory services. ¶

We wish to express appreciation for the welcome extended by the governor of the state, Governor Goodwin Knight, and his commendation and words of appreciation for that sacred edifice; also the message sent by Mayor Norris Poulson of Los Angeles; and for the receptions given and messages sent by the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce and the Los Angeles Rotary Club. We appreciate their attitude and their entertainment. Great as that temple is, beautiful as it is, we shall ever associate with it the attitude of the people toward it, members and non-members alike. ¶

We appreciate the contributions given by people in the temple district, every promise fulfilled, and more — voluntarily given. ¶

Finally, we are appreciative of the tithes and offerings of the entire Church, making that edifice and others possible. ¶

Brethren and sisters, one hundred and twenty-six years ago today, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was organized in the home of Peter Whitmer, Sr. Six members founded the organization, though there were others present. ¶

About fourteen months prior to that organization, a revelation was given to the Prophet Joseph saying, a marvelous work was about to come forth among the children of men. ¶

In that revelation we read the following regarding the spirit of the Church: ¶

"Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day. . . . ¶

"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. ¶

"Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence." (D & C 4:2, 5-6.) ¶

Compared with the nearly two thousand years since Jesus Christ, the Son of God, established his Church in the Meridian of Time, one hundred and twenty-six years constitute a very brief period, yet the growth and progress of the restored Church during that time have been remarkable. From a membership of six, the Church now numbers over a million and a quarter, divided into 227 stakes and forty-four missions. It has built twelve temples, with two more under construction, and 2,646 other houses of worship are completed and under construction. ¶

In educational matters, its accomplishments are highly commendable. Besides the general interest of the members in the University of Utah, the Utah State Agricultural College, and other state institutions, the Church supports an educational system of which it may justly be proud: Brigham Young University, Ricks Junior College, 140 seminaries and institutes, and is now building junior colleges in New Zealand, Hawaii, Tongatabu, Tonga, Pesega, and Mapusaga, Samoa. ¶

The Church supports twelve hospitals, and through its welfare department needy persons are either rehabilitated or given necessary assistance from fast offerings and tithing funds. Though temples, tabernacles, and other Church edifices cost millions, all dedicated buildings are wholly paid for, and the Church is entirely free from debt. ¶

On behalf of the First Presidency and other General Authorities of the Church, I take great satisfaction in reporting that all departments of the Church are progressing very satisfactorily and express gratitude to our Heavenly Father for his divine guidance and inspiration. ¶

An Appeal for Stability and Harmony in the Home

But I am not so sure whether we are maintaining the high standards required of us in our homes. I feel constrained, therefore, at this opening session to make an appeal for more stability, more harmony and happiness in home life. It has been truly said that "the strength of a nation, especially of a republican nation, is in the intelligent, well-ordered homes of the people." In no other group in the world should there be more contented, more happy homes than in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. ¶

Just this month there appeared in a leading magazine the encouraging statement that American homes and family life are steadily strengthening. According to that article, the total population of our country has doubled since 1900. The number of families has tripled. This growth in family life is shown by the rapid increase in home ownership. One hundred-twenty percent more families owned their own homes in 1955 than in 1940. There are sixty-seven percent more children under five years of age now than in 1940, that is in the country at large. There are sixty-one percent more children in group age five to nine years. ¶

Loyalty as a Contributing Factor

Recently our attention has been called to conditions that seem to justify our admonishing the membership of the Church to keep their homes exemplary before the world. ¶

To the young people of the Church, particularly, I should like to say first that a happy home begins not at the marriage altar, but during the brilliant, fiery days of youth. The first contributing factor to a happy home is the sublime virtue of loyalty, one of the noblest attributes of the human soul. Loyalty means being faithful and true. It means fidelity to parents, fidelity to duty, fidelity to a cause or principle, fidelity to love. Disloyalty to parents during teen age is often a source of sorrow and sometimes tragedy in married life. ¶

I have received several letters this last month from young folk — two of them in their teens — irked because of what they consider interference of parents. Young people in all the Church and all the nation should understand that both the Church and the state hold parents responsible for the conduct and protection of their children. The Church, you will recall, is very explicit in that. ". . . inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the Living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents. ¶

"For this shall be a law unto the inhabitants of Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized." (D & C 68:25-26.) ¶

That is explicit, and parents, that is your responsibility. ¶

Some of you would be surprised to know that the statute of the state requires explicitly that not only parents, but also any guardian who has charge of a child eighteen or under is held responsible for the protection of that child and for his moral teachings. Any guardian or parent that will do anything to injure the morals of the child is guilty of a misdemeanor and subject to imprisonment of not more, if I remember rightly, than six months, and a fine of not less than three hundred dollars, or both. ¶

So, girls and boys, your parents, not only because of their love, but also by command of the Lord and by legislative enactment of the state, are compelled to watch over you and guide you. And parents, once again, that is your responsibility. The effect of this guardianship will be shown by this illustration. ¶

A New York City judge not long ago wrote to the New York Times, saying that in seventeen years that he had been on the bench not one Chinese-American teen ager had been brought before him on a juvenile delinquency charge. The judge queried his colleagues, and they agreed that not one of the city's estimated 10,000 Chinese-American teen agers, to their knowledge, (not one) had ever been hailed into court on a charge of depredation, narcotics, speeding, burglary, vandalism, stickup, purse snatching, or mugging accusations. ¶

A check with San Francisco, where there is a large colony of Chinese-Americans, tells the same story. ¶

P. H. Chang, Chinese Consul-General in New York City, was asked to comment on that. He said, "I have heard this story many times from many judges. I'll tell you why I think this is so. Filial piety is a cardinal virtue my people have brought over from the China that was once free. A Chinese child, no matter where he lives, is brought up to recognize that he cannot shame his parents. Before a Chinese child makes a move, he stops to think what the reaction of his parents will be. Will they be proud or will they be ashamed? Above all other things, the Chinese teen-ager is anxious to please his parents. ¶

"Most Chinese-Americans, no matter how wealthy or poor, maintain a strict family style home. Mealtime is a ceremonious affair which must be attended by every member of the family. Schooling, reverence for religion, and decorum plus reverence for the elders, are the prime movers in developing the child from infancy." ¶

And the paper says, "The amazing record of the Chinese-American youngster shows that it is in the home that the cure for juvenile delinquency will be found, and in no other place." (From an editorial in the Saturday Evening Post reprinted in the Reader's Digest, July 1955.) ¶

So, young people, loyalty to parents, if not a direct contributing factor to a happy home, is at least a safeguard against hastily assuming and lightly esteeming the duties and responsibilities of marriage. ¶

Loyalty to Self

Next to loyalty to parents, I should like to urge loyalty to self. Remember, if you would be happy, if you reach the goal of success in the distant future, your first duty is to be loyal to the best that is in you, not to the basest. ¶

There is a saying in the Bible that "every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment." (Matt. 12:36.) Psychology assures us that "We are spinning our own fates, good or evil, and never to be undone. Every smallest stroke of virtue or of vice leaves its never so little scar. The drunken Rip Van Winkle, in Jefferson's play, excuses himself for every fresh dereliction by saying, 'I won't count this time.' ¶

"Well!" continues James, the psychologist, "he may not count it, and a kind Heaven may not count it; but it is being counted none the less. Down among his nerve cells and fibres the molecules are counting it, registering and storing it up to be used against him when the next temptation comes. Nothing we ever do is, in strict scientific literalness, wiped out. Of course, this has its good side as well as its bad one. As we become permanent drunkards by so many separate drinks, so we become saints in the moral, and authorities and experts in the practical and scientific spheres, by so many separate acts and hours of work. Let no youth have any anxiety about the upshot of his education, whatever the line of it may be. If he keep faithfully busy each hour of the working day, he may safely leave the final result to itself. He can with perfect certainty count on waking up some fine morning, to find himself one of the competent ones of his generation, in whatever pursuit he may have singled out. Silently, between all the details of his business, the power of judging in all that class of matter will have built itself up within him as a possession that will never pass away. Young people should know this truth in advance. The ignorance of it has probably engendered more discouragement and faint-heartedness in youth embarking on arduous careers than all other causes put together." (Psychology, William James, Henry Holt, 1892, p. 150.) ¶

A good ideal for youth to build a happy home is this: Keep true to the best and never let an hour of indulgence scar your life for eternity. ¶

Loyalty to Your Future Companion

Next under that heading of loyalty, I urge loyalty to your future companion. When harmony, mutual consideration, and trust pass out of the home, hell enters in. A memory of a simple indulgence in youth sometimes opens hell's door. Girls, choose a husband who has respect for womanhood! Young man, choose a girl who, in her teens, has virtue and strength enough to keep herself true to her future husband! Down the road of indulgence are too many good young girls, seeking vainly for happiness in the by-ways where people grovel but do not aspire. As a result their search for happiness is in vain. They grasp at what seems substance to find only ashes. ¶

If you would have a happy marriage, keep your reputation as well as your character unsullied. ¶

It is a common saying throughout the world that young men may sow their wild oats, but young women should be chaperoned. In general, this is pretty well carried out, but in the Church we have but one single standard, and it is just as important for young men to keep themselves chaste as it is for young women. No matter what the opportunity, no matter what the temptation, let the young man know that to find happiness he must hold sacred his true manhood. Marriage is a failure when manhood is a failure. Let him know that to gain moral strength he must learn to resist temptation, learn to say with Christ, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." (Matt. 4:10.) Then he is happy; there is peace instead of turbulency in his soul. ¶

Continued Courtship

Next to loyalty as contributive to a happy home, I should like to urge continued courtship, and apply this to grown people. Too many couples have come to the altar of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the beginning of an eternal courtship. Let us not forget that during the burdens of home life — and they come — that tender words of appreciation, courteous acts are even more appreciated than during those sweet days and months of courtship. It is after the ceremony and during the trials that daily arise in the home that a word of "thank you," or "pardon me," "if you please," on the part of husband or wife contributes to that love which brought you to the altar. It is well to keep in mind that love can be starved to death as literally as the body that receives no sustenance. Love feeds upon kindness and courtesy. It is significant that the first sentence of what is now known throughout the Christian world as the Psalm of Love, is, "Love suffereth long, and is kind." The wedding ring gives no man the right to be cruel or inconsiderate, and no woman the right to be slovenly, cross, or disagreeable. ¶

Self-Control

The next contributing factor to your happy marriage I would name is self-control. Little things happen that annoy you, and you speak quickly, sharply, loudly, and wound the other's heart. I know of no virtue that helps to contribute to the happiness and peace of the home more than that great quality of self-control in speech. Refrain from saying the sharp word that comes to your mind at once if you are wounded or if you see something in the other which offends you. It is said that during courtship we should keep our eyes wide open, but after marriage keep them half-shut. ¶

What I mean may be illustrated by a young woman who said to her husband, "I know that my cooking isn't good; I hate it as much as you do, but do you find me sitting around griping about it?" This griping after marriage is what makes it unpleasant. I recall the words of Will Carleton: ¶

WORDS ¶

Boys flying kites haul in their white-winged birds — You can't do that when you're flying words. . . . ¶

Thoughts unexpressed may sometimes fall back dead, But God himself can't kill them when they're said. ¶

Children in the Home

Marriage offers an opportunity to share in the love and care of children, and that is the true purpose of marriage. One writer truly says: "Without children, or without believing that children are important, marriage is incomplete and unfulfilled. Children take time, trouble, and more patience than we usually have. They interfere with freedom, good times, and luxury, but children are the real purpose and reason behind marriage. If we do not put the proper value on parenthood, we are not emotionally or socially ready for marriage. ¶

"Marriage is a relationship that cannot survive selfishness, impatience, domineering, inequality, and lack of respect. Marriage is a relationship that thrives on acceptance, equality, sharing, giving, helping, doing one's part, learning together, enjoying humor," and a home is full of humor with children. ¶

The more you keep in company with your wife, the happier you are. Business takes you away from home. She is there alone. Do not let companionship with other women divide your affection, and that applies to woman as well as to man. At one time I thought that it did not; that man was wholly to blame for the unrest, the disagreements and sorrows that are occurring too frequently, but I have had to modify my opinion. Companionship is the means of perpetuating that love which brought about your union. ¶

In conclusion, for the proper solution of the great problems of marriage we may turn with safety to Jesus, our Guide. He declared, as I read in the beginning, that marriage is ordained of God and that only under the most exceptional conditions should it be set aside. In the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ, the family assumes supreme importance in the development of the individual and of society. "Happy and thrice happy are they who enjoy an uninterrupted union, and whose love, unbroken by any complaints, shall not dissolve until the last day." ¶

It will not dissolve when sealed by the authority of the Holy Priesthood throughout all eternity. The marriage ceremony, when thus sealed, produces happiness and joy unsurpassed by any other experience in the world. "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." ¶

Home's not merely four square walls, Though with pictures hung and gilded; Home is where Affection calls, Filled with shrines the Heart has builded! ¶

Home's not merely roof and room — It needs something to endear it; Home is where the heart can bloom, Where there's some kind [heart] to cheer it! ¶

What is home with none to meet, None to welcome, none to greet us? Home is sweet — and only sweet — Where there's one we love to meet us. ¶

— Charles Swain ¶

To the Church, not only to young people, but also to married people, I plead this morning for more contented homes brought about through love, faithfulness, loyalty, self-control, and obedience to the principles of marriage as set for us by revelation to the members of the restored Church of Jesus Christ. ¶

May God help us to be exemplary to the world in this respect, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. ¶